This week during Bible study one of the girls brought up a point about attitude and how your attitude really determines everything for you. I've really been thinking about that a lot since Tuesday, and honestly it has changed the way my week has gone at work. Going back to work this week after a five day break was challenging, and both Monday & Tuesday I was in a funk. Then Wednesday I decided I was going in with a new attitude and it's been a great week since. I think my attitude needs to change about blogging. Instead of feeling guilty because I make it a chore, I need to seek it as an outlet, a part of my week that is fun! So there's my plan. We'll see how it goes.
So very much has happened in the last almost two months I can't believe I'm going to have to break it out in one post. So here goes... On October 12th, the day after I last blogged, we got a huge surprise after work when I took a pregnancy test before our first meeting with our new small group. It was POSITIVE! We were in shock. I danced around, paced the floor, tried to decide who to call first, and all around just couldn't hardly pull myself together to go to group! But it was our first night so we had to go! Who misses the first night?! Off we went, calling a few people on our way to unleash the excitement that we simply couldn't contain any longer and trying to devise a plan on how to tell my parents after group. Being October and all I decided we'd buy a "baby" pumpkin and take it to their house afterwards. After a stop at both Kroger and Wal-Mart we finally found the adorable pumpkin you see in the banner above. Needless to say, they were a little surprised to see us at 9:30 on a Wednesday night, but the moment I pulled the pumpkin out of the bag my Momma knew what it was! My Dad was so sweet, he was out of control excited, hugging me and looking at me, and getting all teary on us. It was absolutely the perfect moment and the way I always hoped my parents would react upon learning the news of me having a baby.
Being impatient, as I typically am, I of course immediately called the Dr. on Thursday morning to schedule an appointment. They actually set an appointment for us the following Wednesday after a little persuasion since I wasn't honestly sure what to give them for my LMP. The days following the news were incredibly awesome and really just hard to grasp the reality of the news. On October 19th we headed to the Dr. for our first ultrasound to find out we were just 5 weeks pregnant. Very early, but the appointment was great because they were able to see the gestational sac that the baby would grow in and give us a due date. June 21st! It felt like FOREVER away but we left elated. As we were leaving they went ahead and scheduled our 2nd appointment for the next Wednesday to meet the ob/gyn for the first time and another ultrasound. In retrospect I wish I had asked if this was a mistake because it was so soon, but I've never had a baby before so I just didn't know and assumed it was ok. On October 26th we headed back to the ob/gyn for a 2nd ultrasound and based on everything we'd been reading we hoped to see the baby actually on the monitor. And we did! It was so little but so awesome and just what I'd hoped for. I was shocked that in just one week that little gummy bear could come out of that sack and show up! After the ultrasound they took me in for the first meeting with the Dr. who could potentially deliver our baby. From the first minute in that room I wasn't impressed with her, she flitted in and started talking 100 miles a minute and in the middle of all of her talking she threw out something about the fact that at 6 weeks they can usually see cardiac activity and she couldn't yet so she wanted us to come back in two more weeks for another ultrasound. She also said my exam could wait until then since they didn't typically do that until 8 weeks. (Well then why am I even here today?) Whatever! I've been sitting here for 15 minutes in this paper gown and I took the morning off work do that junk now! But I could hardly focus after the whole "your baby may or may not have a heartbeat" comment, and I started asking a 1000 questions that were answered with fluff answers like "oh it's a 50/50 chance" and "just enjoy being pregnant and your husband." I wanted to shake her and say "LADY! Are you kidding me?" But I refrained and didn't even let my pregnancy hormones get me until we got to the car where I just couldn't help but cry! My awesome husband tried to make me feel better by praying with me and then taking me to the bookstore to buy a pregnancy journal like I'd been talking about for days. It helped, a little, as retail therapy typically does, but I still couldn't shake the comment about the heartbeat.
The next two weeks drug by. Particularly the first week because I just couldn't let it go. It consumed my head until one night I found a devotional in my Bible about pregnancy and how God is the only one with the power to knit life together and he can't allow us to get our hands on what only he can do. After that I started feeling better about it, the next day at work my devotional calender reminded me "God is at work within you." I just kept getting these reminders that told me to let go. In the words of my Momma, "Let go and let God." So I did, and the next week before the appointment, although I was anxious, I let my anxiousness be about excitement by convincing myself that all was just as it should be because God wouldn't take away something from me I'd prayed so many nights for.
But the God I serve does take away, and exactly what I'd feared for two weeks was confirmed November 2nd. I have to be honest, I have been so very blessed and haven't experienced death close to me, but the words "there is no longer a baby" felt like "your child is dead." I just sat there, my mind reeling. What do you mean it's not there anymore, we just saw it two weeks ago? How does it just go missing? I had yet to realize that the sad face the ultrasound tech was giving me was just the first of what felt like eight million. I'd like to rant here about how insulting Dr.'s offices can be that it takes them an hour and a half to get you out of the office after you hear news like this but I promise it's not worth my energy. What we did find out that day after a 2nd Dr.'s appointment (yes, we sought out a 2nd opinion after they were so flippant about the situation and completely switched ob/gyn during this ordeal) is that our baby stopped developing on approximately October 28th.
I wrestled with so many emotions over the fact that we had shared our news so early when I knew that the first trimester was so risky, but looking back I know that I wouldn't have done it any different had I known the outcome and I won't hesitate to do the same for our next pregnancy. I say this because the moment you find out that you are having a baby, it is real. And the moment you find out that you have lost a baby, that is real too and so is the grief that comes with it. I never really understood the loss of a baby when it happened to other people, and I wouldn't have known what to say. Which is why if you don't know what to say to someone, just don't say anything. People say the most absurd, inconsiderate things imaginable when trying to console you.
Grief over loss is an interesting character that shows up in your life and challenges the way you see things and think about things and really how you handle them. It's like this invisible thing that lingers in your home and you feel it there even when you try so hard to ignore it and pretend like everything is ok. For us though, we have stood on our faith because it's who we are and what we believe, and honestly it's all we had left when the tears ran out.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen.
It's funny to me how the same verse can comfort you in complete opposite situations. When we were praying for a baby, this verse was so dear to my heart because I knew the Lord had a plan and I trusted that he knew my heart. And then after loss it told me that even when his plan hurts, it is for good and he is listening still. In the Word is where I finally found peace in our situation, where I found comfort from the God of all comfort, the God of the weary, the God who sees. I am not sure this is the response most people expected of me, but it is what they got and I think it speaks of the changes of my heart over the last couple years. I just know that God isn't to blame, that he isn't out to hurt me or my break my spirit, but that he has a plan and I refuse to be angry at him for taking away something that I so dearly desired because I know that I can't see the whole picture. But He can!
I wish I had blogged multiple times these last couple months so this story line would have flowed differently. All I know is that I'm looking so forward to Baby Hall #2 and promise to document his/her story better.
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
