this is my story
this is my song
praising my Savior
all the day long
I've browsed more than my fair share of Kelly's Korner SUYL posts. But I've only been able to participate in one since I began reading her blog. I wasn't discouraged by this, just simply didn't have a place to connect among the schedule of upcoming events. No big deal. I'll look another time. To my surprise/dissapointment/uncertainty I realized the first one I could join was March 16- Going through infertility. Wow. That is not a SUYL that I ever imagined and definitely didn't hope to join. But perhaps, just maybe, in all of His grand work God knew that my story, my song, would matter to someone else in the world and might be a connecting point and therefore He put me in a position to be able to post on that very day. Sometimes I get discouraged by all of the unknown of the world, the uncertainty of things. And then other days... well, other days I just sit enamored at the work of the Lord and the way he weaves us into each others lives so flawlessly. As I endure the triumphs and tragedies of this life, I grab hold of the idea that God's will for my life involves using my experiences to touch the hearts of women somewhere, someday, so that just maybe something I said or did will show hope to the broken, faith to the uncertain, and truth to the unbelieving.
This isn't a journey I expected to be on at 28 years old, with zero health concerns, and an overall history of healthy lifestyle choices. Don't get me wrong, I'm no picture of health. I loathe exercise and I crave fountain drinks like an addict. But in general, I am active, healthy, young, and had no reason to believe that having babies isn't as easy as teen pregnancy statistics lead you to believe...
Our (what we can now call "fertility") journey began last July almost immediately after we got married. We honeymooned in October and shortly after returning home we found out we were having a little pumpkin in June. We were ecstatic. We told EVERYONE. Like seriously, announced it to the world because once my female fear of being able to get pregnant was solved, I figured I was invincible. I mean I've been through enough stuff in my short life right? Eh, not so much.
In a well documented blog post you can find here, you will find that our first pregnancy ended in heartbreak on November 23rd when we sent our first angel baby to Heaven. Devastation didn't even scratch the surface of my broken heart. It was a terribly difficult time for us and didn't set the stage quiet like we'd hoped for our first holidays together, but as He does, the Lord comforted us during this difficult time and I was taught a valuable lesson on peace that comes only from Him. To those around us we appeared strong and hopeful, and deep down we really were, but the sadness lingered in our house through the holidays and honestly probably remained until we got another positive pregnancy test on December 28th. It was the best belated Christmas present either of us received. Again, we told our families within days and those close to us because we stood firm in the belief that regardless of the past, we wanted to share our joy and we also wanted our prayer warriors in place. The second pregnancy proved to be better than the first, at eight weeks we had an ultrasound and were able to both see and hear our baby's heartbeat. Although I was still anxiety ridden, I fought the battle daily to remain unwavering that God was at work within me and I read that as "is protecting our baby" when it reality it might have been more "shaping you into the woman I created you to be." Regardless, at our 12 week appointment we were once again broken after a heartbeat couldn't be detected and an ultrasound revealed that our second baby had stopped developing not long after we heard it's precious heart beating. The all too familiar pain resurfaced and was then doubled because even though nervous I just knew that everything would be okay because these things don't happen back to back, right? Wrong. They do happen back to back. So often that there is a term coined for it. Recurrent miscarriage. So on February 23rd, just three months later we sent our second angel to Heaven. I didn't really document that loss like I did the first, but it's resounding effects on my personal prayer life can be found here.
Infertility didn't seem like the right word for me to convey our circumstance. I always thought infertility was more of a term for couples who struggled to conceive. So when our ob/gyn told us he thought it was time for us to see a reproductive specialist, aka infertility doctor, I was a little surprised. I was grateful for the recognition that something was going on as I am aware some doctors will not evaluate until after three miscarriages, but still a little confused. I learned very quickly though that infertility is not just about getting pregnant, but maintaining a pregnancy to full term, which is where we fall in. So just two short weeks after losing the second, we had an appointment to meet with the specialist. To say that this appointment was overwhelming would be an understatement. My already fragile state of mind was tempted on Tuesday as we sat in a new doctor's office where I would be asked to verbalize our journey in its entirety.
We were presented with five possible causes that we would first explore. It was no consolation to me that the doctor seemed surprised that we were having trouble considering the appearance of being healthy and young. Neither did it make me feel any better that the literature he gave us to review noted that less than 5% of women will experience two consecutive miscarriages. Thanks doc, for confirming that I am special in a way I never hoped to be!
1- Genetic/Chromosomal Causes
2- Hormonal Abnormalities
3- Uterine Abnormalities
4- Antiphospholipid Syndrome
5- Thrombophillias
For those of us who aren't doctors it boiled down to this to us, our best case is that we fall into the 50% of couples who they find no cause because there isn't an issue and it is simply the human body. Our worst case is that because of our genetic makeup we won't be able to create a child together that is viable to carry full term. In the middle there are some causes that would be treatable with hormones, shots, and possibly even baby aspirin. By far the most overwhelming part was the information about genetic mutation and the conversation that followed it that involved donors and decisions that we are in no way emotionally prepared to acknowledge at this stage.
Today we received the first phone call with results, nice timing for the blog connect, huh? :) Today we found out that the blood tests on my thyroid, vitamin D, and prolactin all came back normal. The only issue from this battery of tests is that my HCG level is still at 42 and it needs to be at 0. It can take up to six weeks for the pregnancy hormone to leave your body and it looks like it is going to take that full time for me. Next week I will go back for a follow up blood draw to confirm that it is at 0. If it's not, I honestly have no idea what that means. As for the other three tests, after much Google-ing I have educated us enough to understand the general fact of the results is that A-it's great that those things are all normal, but B- those could have been the easy fixes we were hoping for so for now we are still left with uncertainty.
And this is where we are... waiting. Which is okay, and although it has taken longer to get here this time I think we are finally ready to accept it. I will be honest, until you endure these trials, you cannot imagine the strain it places on a marriage. Our first loss was so quickly replaced by a second pregnancy that it took away the sadness, but this time is just, well, different. It's harder. The pain is deeper. It has created this distance that took us both saying "we are different, there is something between us that has to go because we don't feel like 'us'." I can't say what changed Dale's heart this time, but for me it was a perfectly timed Night of Worship at SECC and a Bob Russell blog post that reminded me, God isn't required to hand out blessings, and that comparing my blessings to others will only lead to discontentment and disappointment. So today is a new day, and I am ready to face this pain with a new, softened heart. Bold and confident. And while we're waiting, we will serve our Lord.
