The answer was painful. Yes. I was. Not intentionally I didn't think, but when my normal morning routine is to pray and listen to worship music I realized that my silence and jamming to something about living young and free was the equivalent to me stomping my feet and slamming doors and outright ignoring the fact that God was standing there waiting on me to say something the entire time. It would seem natural to assume at this point that I immediately turned the radio off and began praying (see: begging) for forgiveness, but I didn't. I thought about it some more, trying to analyze the situation and figure out what I was doing and what changed. As I continued my psychological approach with no conclusions I arrived at my destination for the day and didn't think much on it again until much later, when I found myself in the same situation.
But being in the situation didn't make me want to change it. I just continued to wallow in this uncertainty of what happened. Where did this distance come from and why do I feel so strange about it? None of which mattered and I knew how to fix it, but I just couldn't bring myself to it. To praying. To speaking to God. To asking him what was wrong. To acknowledge the fact that I had barely acknowledged him all week outside of my routine prayers.
The reality of the situation is that I do know where the distance comes from. I know why I'm hurt. I know exactly why I can't bring myself to conversational prayer that I usually have with my Savior.
My heart is broken. A feeling I know all too well. And as much as I can see the truth in not being able to see the big picture, as much as I understand I don't have a right to know everything, and as much as I love him, I am upset with him. I am heartbroken that yet again we have lost another baby and my wish to be a Mother is again put on hold. I am fully aware of the truth that my life is not my own. As I'm equally aware that I am neither commanded to be in charge of my life nor to be happy with the way things go. God has this huge plan and I'm just a tiny piece in the middle of his puzzle. So how is it that I know these things yet still find both strength to hold back the tears and equally find the anger to hold against him via my silence?
Trust me, I'm confused too. Friday I read a blog by Lysa Terkeurst (who if you don't follow, you should) and in true God character, it was written just for me. It was how to deal with disappointment. Her three main points were to PRESS INTO HIM (which is what I've been avoiding), PRAISE HIM (been avoiding that too), and KEEP IN COMPANY OF THE TRUTH (yep, you guessed it, avoiding those convos with those people). I even wrote it in big capital letters on my planner to see everyday. As much as I would like to claim that as a definite way to remind yourself of something, if your heart isn't in it, it doesn't matter how BIG or how bold the writing may be.
So how does God work when you aren't seeking him? For me, it's always an attention getter. It is almost guaranteed that if I avoid God, he will do something so fierce that it makes it impossible for me to avoid him. And he did just that. As Satan crept into my open heart and I began to spiral (as if destroying everything I have worked to change & have is a good way to rebel against God) it became so clear all of the sudden that the only thing that giving God the silent treatment would do is ruin my life. Literally. Ruin it. I am not being dramatic here either, this is truth. Separation from God equals a waste of life.
In case you haven't noticed, I've avoiding blogging like I have prayer. I didn't do it with intentions of using it as an analogy, but there you have it. Honestly, I've avoided this post because I felt it would take away from the way people see my walk with Christ. As if it says I'm not real, or it's just a hat I wear. But none of those are true. The truth is that my relationship with Jesus is so real that I get hurt when I feel he's not listening to me. I miss him when I'm not talking to him. And maybe, for the first time, I have come to realize how much I do really recognize his presence even though I sometimes think I don't.
I don't have anything poetic to say to close with. I'm not healed of my brokeness. I don't feel any better about where I am with God and I can't say that I have been magically healed and everything is good between us... but I can say that seeing the truth has caused me to seek resolution and it's a start. The Christian life isn't one of all happy endings and answered prayers. It's one of laying our own heart's desires down and following Jesus. And when God makes you Type A, and then asks you to follow and not lead, it gets messy. It gets real.
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