Crazy Ever After

Over the years, I’ve heard people (mostly pastors) warn couples with children that you can so easily slip into being a child centered marriage instead of a Christ centered marriage. I always found this so interesting, that somewhere deep entrenched in the life of practices and school that you could actually ignore the fact that “Dad” or “Mom” who used to be just your spouse, would suddenly lose that priority and fall into a deep abyss to only be found after the kids went away to college. 

It wasn’t until one sunny afternoon drive home that it dawned on me.  You don’t have to have children to have a child centered marriage.  It is in these moments of solitude that God speaks to me through the most profound thoughts that just appear.  I am awakened in these moments to truths so deep they make my heart hurt.  They shine a light on a dark place in life that I shamefully realize is pointed directly at me. 

My life.

My marriage.

Child centered?

How so, we have no child to blame this chaos on?

This disease.

"My daugher, you don't have to have children yet for this to overcome you." Says my King to me as I antagonize over this truth.

I start to cycle through, thoughts flood my evening commute.  My man and I have spent our first precious days as a married couple plagued by this disease.  And let me tell you, it is flesh eating, life sucking, full blown love strangulation. 

Life became all about baby.  The baby we had, then lost.  The baby we had, then lost.  I wish that repeat was a grammatical error, but you know just as my heart knows, it’s not.  These unplanned babies conceived out of pure newlywed love took over our lives and changed us forever. 

Let me tell you what happens to those beautiful moments of undying love and sacrifice that you vow with tears welled in your eyes and the dreams of happily ever after when you take Christ out and put child in…

You want to wring each other’s necks.

Every. Single. Day. 

Over the silly things! Of all the challenges we face in life, you begin to act like a crazy (woman) person because cups are on the bottom rack of the dishwasher instead of the top rack.

And coffee makers.  Oh dear. A Keurig gets threatened to sail across the room while one you (me) fiercely barricades it to protect itself and your walls. 

And where to spend a weekend.  What do you mean sleeping in a one room building with your in laws isn’t your idea of a romantic, relaxing weekend? The NERVE!

You start walking around life aimlessly.  Marriage becomes lackluster because it’s just a title you wear.  You share a last name, but not a life.  You live day by day. Sometimes people say this is the only way to survive a tragedy.  One day at a time.  But those single days, well, they suck.  And Jesus doesn’t tell us that’s how we survive.  He tells us no matter what this life gives us, that He offers more.  That because of Him we have a constant hope.  We have a reason for joy if for nothing else than because we have salvation.  He tells us to keep on praying. 

But even when you know that His Word gives that truth, those days can feel hopeless, and joyless, and like you’re having an out of body experience. 

You spend countless hours reading about fertility, and charting, and cycles.  Trying desperately to grasp some inkling of control so you don’t feel so helpless.  This leads to planning, this façade of control.    

All of the sudden your planner becomes your bible.  It holds your body’s deepest secrets and rhythms.  You pee on a hundred sticks a month and you take pictures of them to compare the next day to the one before.  You start conversations with things like “My LH surge is peaking today” and ask your husband crazy questions like “Do my boobs look different today than yesterday?”  And then you do the unthinkable.  You plan baby making.  Not the weekend rendezvous that your husband doesn’t know about kind, but the OMG WE HAVE A LIMITED WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY HERE AND YOU HAVE TO BE HOME, MOVE THAT SILLY BUSINESS TRIP AND BE HERE BECAUSE WE CAN’T WASTE EGGS!  I ONLY HAVE SO MANY, I’LL NEVER GET ANYMORE kind. 

 

It’s official. You have the disease.  You don’t even know you have the disease because you’re so far in the deep end you can’t see the shore. 

Then one night it all comes crashing down.  Every thing around you crumbles.  You can’t chart any more.  You can’t keep being psycho over inanimate objects.  You can’t fake it to the world and yourself and your spouse anymore.  You just can’t do it.  You are broken and hurting.   You have to get help.  Not the medical kind, but the Jesus kind.

 

For us, that help came through a Spirit led coupling with G & T.  This unbelievably invaluable and amazing married couple of 30 years who were so much like us that it sometimes felt like looking into our future.  A couple who had been through loss and infertility.  A couple who had two beautiful grown daughters.  A couple who lived on a farm.  (Ok, so that last part doesn't matter to our journey, unless you know our dreams of horses, chickens, and bee hives.) But this couple who knew how to help us work through slamming doors, silent treatments, and button pushing.  They knew how to get us back to the newlywed phase.  And with one simple question our whole life changed. 

 

"Have you guys talked about taking a break?" G questioned gently.

 

I sat there pondering for a moment. What a novel idea.

 

Meanwhile, D is thinking it might be time to bail on this whole mentor thing.  Break? Like, separation? (Oh, my sweet extremist, not so literal.)

 

Break. Like a set amount of time where a couple might throw away things like pregnancy tests, ovulation strips, progesterone injections, fertility books, and all other things baby.  (Don't stress, I didn't throw away $20 worth of pregnancy tests or the half closet of Ralph Lauren Baby.)

 

I never expected this recommendation. To be honest I didn't know what to expect.  I wondered for days what they would say to us, what their solution would be.  I shouldn't have been surprised that my extrodinary God worked through an ordinary married couple. I feel myself smirking as I look to Him, you never cease to amaze me, I quip. In my heart He's responding with a wink, reminding me that He always is carrying me along, even when I feel like I'm dragging myself through life. Like He's done so. many. times.

 

We left feeling like this huge boulder had been removed from our arms.  No more carrying around saddness.  No more bitterness. No more anger.  Sweet mercy, we were not going to let our marriage be centered on baby, we were declaring our marriage to be centered on Christ.

 

Can I tell you what a difference that has made? 

 

We are genuinely happy.  We are playing again.  We are silly, and laughing, and consumed with enjoying the hundreds of blessings God pours out on us daily. We are us.

 

This first year isn't anything that I could have ever dreamed it would be. 

Somedays I feel like it's better. 

 

Somedays my blinders are off and the enemy moves in to remind me that seemingly everyone around me is welcoming a baby to their family.

 

But every day, I get to wake up knowing that God is shaping and molding my heart so that I can further glorify Him.  This is Kingdom work, ya'll.  I don't know yet where this journey of infertility will lead, or where these lessons learned about marriage, and friendship, and the love of a Savior will come into play... but I do know one thing for sure; God is at work.

 

G & T- if you ever read this, please know how deeply we love ya'll and your authentic approach to marriage mentoring.  Our time with you will forever be a part of us.  We thank you for answering God's call to the marriage ministry so that you could touch our hearts and save us from ourselves. 

 

"So let's not get tired of doing what is good.  At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up." Galatians 6:9